Eugene Mirman writes crazy monologue for Samuel L. Jackson on Reddit, then the Internet breaks
Samuel L. Jackson has made a splash Reddit with his own Ask Me Anything (AMA). While answering questions Jackson asked users to write 300 words, and claimed that he would read whichever post got the most “up-votes” in monologue form. To prove that the user was indeed Jackson himself, he posted a photo of himself holding up a sign that said “Hey Reddit- I am a bad muthaphukka.”
Among the various Reddit users who tried desperately to win this contest, it was comedian Eugene Mirman that claimed victory. After all, who couldn’t up-vote a post that starts with “God, I’m so sleepy. My elbow hurts… I’ve been up for hours trying to literally fill her p*ssy with cream cheese.”
It seems that Samuel L. Jackson has reached Reddit immortality along with the likes of Snoop Lion for his insane answers during his AMA. Other incredible posts during the AMA consisted of:
Q: DO YOU GET TIRED OF PEOPLE YELLING AT YOU ON THE STREETS?!?!
A: ONLY WHEN IT’S IN ALL CAPS!!
Read Mirman’s full winning monologue for Jackson.
God, I’m so sleepy. My elbow hurts. My knees are bruised. I’ve been up for hours trying to literally fill her p*ssy with cream cheese. Why? I don’t know. Started as a joke and then a dare. We were all drunk and I think I ate a pot-scone, and then — BAM! — “Fill my p*ssy with cream cheese! I f*cking dare you!” I’m sure of two things — she’s got balls and also, she does not actually have balls. But it’s not even f*cking real cream cheese. She’s vegan (and actually, a really, really great singer-songwriter). So, it’s actually tofu cream cheese with scallions or some-sh*t. Can’t even believe we found some down here. Whatever.
I’ll be honest, for the first five minutes it was actually a pretty neat-o thing to get to do. Still, now, hours later, how is there still room for more cream cheese? I’m pretty sure her p*ssy is eating it! Ha! Who would’ve thought that a month after a coordinated terrorist strike on most of the world’s nuclear reactors, I’d be in some bunker in Amherst, MA with a bunch of 20-somethings, drinking, doing dumb dares, and waiting to see if the world was still around?
I didn’t really play Truth or Dare growing up — once when I was 16, I had my first kiss, and then 30 years later on a flight from Newark to LA when some guy from Cold Play dared me to yell at him until he shit himself. 4 minutes 58 seconds. I’m a scary motherf*cker.
It’s funny, down here, I’ve had the time to work on lots of projects I never had a chance to — I built a blowjob glove that works in the dark and re-recorded R.E.M.’s Automatic For the People with more swears. Goodnight, friend. I f*cking love you.