80 Woody Allen quotes for his 80th Birthday

Neurotic comics are a staple in comedy just as much as superheroes are in film these days. Neuroticism is the precise reason many pick up a mic and speak to buzzed patrons in the dim corners of bars in the first place. After all, you have to be a little different to do something crazy like stand-up, right? Such is the brilliance of Woody Allen, who turns eighty today. His influence shaped the careers of Larry David, Richard Lewis, and Jerry Seinfeld. As a filmmaker, he continues to develop inspiring cinematic masterpieces with remarkably human characters and plots. But the writer/director’s career wasn’t always so clear-cut.

Woody Allen grew up in a volatile Jewish household in the Bronx, which supplied him with endless amounts of material. He later attended New York University, but dropped out after failing a course. The future star soon started writing for television with shows such as Sid Caesar’s Your Show of Shows. Bored with writing, Allen tried stand-up, where he created the anxious persona he’s known for today. In 1966, he made his directorial debut with What’s Up, Tiger Lily? Annie Hall became his breakout film in 1977, launching him to great levels of success. Over the course of his career, Woody has won five Academy Awards and had twenty-four nominations. His newest film, Irrational Man, stars Joaquin Phoenix, Emma Stone, and Parker Posey. The career of Woody Allen is one characterized by drive, talent, and a remarkable comedic sensibility. As mentioned previously, he turns eighty today. To honor him, we compiled a list of eighty of his finest quotes from stand-up, film, and interviews. Enjoy!

1. “I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch”.
2. “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good”.
3. “What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet”.
4. “My one regret in life is that I am not someone else”.
5. “My brain: It`s my second favorite organ”.
6. “Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable”. –from Annie Hall
7. “’There’s an old joke . . . two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ’em says ‘Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.’ The other one says, ‘Yeah, I know; and such small portions.’ Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life”.
8. “I was thrown out of NYU [New York University] for cheating on my Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me”.
9. “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons”.
10. “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens”.
11. “I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials”. –from Hannah and Her Sisters
12. “There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
13. “I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers”.
14. “Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends”.
15. “The two biggest myths about me are that I`m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I`m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years”.
16. “When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room”.
17. “I failed to make the chess team because of my height”.
18. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying”.
19. “The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever”.
20. “Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love”.
21. “Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it”.
22. “Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon”.
23. “I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland”.
24. “Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?”
25. “Eighty per cent of success is showing up”.
26. “If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job”.
27. “To you, I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the loyal opposition”.
28. “Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing”.
29. “I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic”.
30. “I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy myself, but I didn’t.” – from The Curse of the Jade Scorpion
31. “You know a lot of geniuses, y’know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y’know, you could learn something.” – from Manhattan
32. “Between the Pope and air conditioning, I’d choose air conditioning.” – from Deconstructing Harry
33. “Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you’re not nauseous.” – from Sleeper
34. “I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.”
35. “Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.” – from Annie Hall
36. “I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.” – from Bananas
37. “I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.” – from Manhattan
38. “I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.” – from Annie Hall
39. “I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.” – from Getting Even
40. “Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.” – from Annie Hall
41. “Marriage? That’s for life! It’s like cement!” – from What’s New, Pussycat?
42. “When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.” – from Every Thing You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask
43. “Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.” – from Side Effects
44. “My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.” from Crimes and Misdemeanors
45. “I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.” – from Manhattan
46. “My God! I beat a man insensible with a strawberry!” – from Sleeper
47. “As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.” – from Without Feathers
48. “I worked with Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis envy. He thought it should be limited to women.” – from Zelig
49. “I’m what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there’s an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.” – from Sleeper
50. “Hey, Harvard makes mistakes too! Kissinger taught there!” – from Annie Hall
51. “Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.” – from Manhattan
52. “Tradition is the illusion of permanence.” – from Deconstructing Harry
53. “I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.” – from Manhattan
54. “Can we actually “know” the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.” – from Getting Even
55. “What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn’t for certain people.” – from Radio Days
56. “I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.” – from What’s Up, Tiger Lily?
57. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
58. “It’s just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.” – from Manhattan
59. “Where did you go to finishing school? On a pirate ship?” – from Love and Death
60. “Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.” – from Sleeper
61. “Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.” – from Love and Death
62. “Where I grew up… in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide… you know, everyone was too unhappy.” – from Crimes and Misdemeanors
63. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”
64. “They probably sit around on the floor with wine and cheese, and mispronounce allegorical and didacticism.” – from Manhattan
65. “I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
66. “What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?” – from Without Feathers
67. “I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.” – from Manhattan
68. “When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said ‘rabies.’ She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets… I thought she’d been bitten by a Great Dane.” – from Sleeper
69. “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
70. “I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.” – from Annie Hall
71. “Can you believe that? She says I’m not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for… Hitler?” – from Bananas
72. “Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called ‘The Castrating Zionist.’” from Manhattan
73. “While we’re waiting for a cab I’ll give you your lesson for today. Don’t listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don’t pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that’s how you’ll know what life is really gonna be like.” – from Crimes and Misdemeanors
74. “No, I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.” – from Deconstructing Harry
75. “My brother beat me. My sister beat my brother. My father beat my sister, my brother, and me. My mother beat my father, my sister, my brother, and me. The neighbors beat our family. The family down the street beat the neighbors and our family.” – from Zelig
76. “I thought of that old joke: This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, ‘Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.’ And the doctor says, ‘Well why don’t you turn him in?’ and the guy says, ‘I would, but I need the eggs.’ Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. They’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.” – from Annie Hall
77. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.” – from Sleeper
78. “Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.” – from Manhattan
79. “If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.” -from Love And Death
80. “I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.” – Take The Money And Run