There can be only one! A conversation with Nick Turner

You may know comedian Nick Turner from his work on Best Week Ever, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, or Comedy Central. Well we spoke with him after his performance at the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival to get the real exclusives: who he hates in comedy, why another guy named Nick Turner does nude and horse art photography, and what green room food is the worst. For more from Nick Turner, follow him on Twitter @NicksTurners or like him on Facebook.

We saw you at the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival. How did you get involved with that event?
Eugene told me that too many people moved to Los Angeles so they ran out of comedians to book and were basically just putting up anyone with 5 minutes. Last year I did one of the shows at Union Hall and it was amazing but nothing is like a packed house at The Bell House. The festival was definitely something I was dying to do since it started because of any festival it has the highest percentage of comedians I love.

There’s a lot of internal angst in your comedy. Where does that come from?
I’m just really not able to lie on stage. I’m always a little too in the moment and get distracted by everything. I often state opinions before thinking about it and then backtrack and then get upset at the crowd for making me lie to them and then apologize to the crowd for yelling at them and then I forget what the hell I was talking about in the first place. Its a tortured existence.

What made you want to do comedy in the first place?
Meatballs 2

Are there any comedians that think you’re friends with them but you secretly hate them and talk about them behind their back? If so, who are they and why do you hate them?
Josh Gondelman, Kurt Braunholer, Jerrod Carmichael, Ryan Hamilton, Ron Funches, Nick Vatterott, Joe Machi, Anthony Devito, Nikki Glaser, Jake Young, Pete Holmes, Pete Lee, Aparna Nancherla, Johnny Pemberton, Reggie Watts, Neal Stastny, and Sheng Wang. I mean, nobody is really as nice as these people pretend to be. I see through it.

On a related note, who are some of your comedy idols?
Josh Gondelman, Kurt Braunholer, Jerrod Carmichael, Ryan Hamilton, Ron Funches, Nick Vatterott, Joe Machi, Anthony Devito, Nikki Glaser, Jake Young, Pete Holmes, Pete Lee, Aparna Nancherla, Johnny Pemberton, Reggie Watts, Neal Stastny, Sheng Wang. Literally the nicest people in the business.

You’ve been interviewed by The Laugh Button before. What was the worst thing about it? You can tell us.
Y’all bought me beers in the middle of the day and made me play free arcade games. I will never forgive you for that.

What’s the worst you’ve ever bombed?
SXSW 2 years ago. Last night of Festival. Midnight show. Velveeta Room. St. Patrick’s day, for God sakes. Everyone in the first 6 rows heckled me at some point. I definitely called a woman a cunt. Someone ran in off the street and jumped on stage. I then picked up a stool and chased him around the corner. I didn’t return to the stage. Did I mention that my parents and two sets of Aunts and Uncles were also there? It was a bad night.

On another related note, what’s the worst green room food they’ve had out at a comedy club?
I did a college last night with Kevin Barnett and Jermaine Fowler and they had ham salad sandwiches for us. They just made up a new type of salad sandwich and gave it to us like it was regular food. We obviously went to Red Lobster afterward where Jermaine said “f*ck” twice while telling the waitress what kind of salad dressing he wanted. It’s a bit tangential I just wanted the world to know what kind of a monster Jermaine is.

You’re from Virginia but Canadians really seem to like you. Why?
Canadians like it when they see Americans not doing well physically or emotionally.

Where can fans see you next?
Best Week Ever is every Friday night at 10. This Tuesday I’m gonna be back at The Bell House doing a live Todd Barry Podcast taping w/ Sarah Silverman, Natasha Lyonne and Andy Borowitz where Todd will no doubt brutally make fun of me the entire time.

Nov. 9th, I’m doing a fun show for the NY Comedy Fest that we first did at Montreal this year called “What’s Your Effing Deal?!” hosted by Jay Oakerson where the comedians do exclusively crowd work.

When I Googled you, I found another Nick Turner that does nude and horse photography. Do you think you’re the best Nick Turner that exists right now?
Without question. Every other Nick Turner is an absolute fool. Except @SFNick, I like him. @NickTurner can go f*ck himself.

For more from Nick Turner, follow him on Twitter @NicksTurners or like him on Facebook.