I’m comedian Vinnie Vitale, I’m 30 years old now. I have a steady job, a steady girlfriend, and recently moved into my own apartment.
Life is going great.
And I feel more uncomfortable than ever.
Stability. It scares me. It’s like an unfamiliar guest that shows up at my door when I least expect. I’m never sure how to welcome him. I’m more inclined to bid him farewell in advance so I can get on with my unstable life.
I’m accustomed to “instability”, the lingering pest that overstays his welcome and prevents you from ever getting you life together.
He makes you stay out late at night, pushing you have another drink. When you get home, he raids all your cabinets. You wake in the morning on your couch – because instability “made you sleep there” — only to realize the motherf*cker cleared out your fridge too.
Your apartment’s a mess; it’s a Tuesday; you don’t have time to brush your teeth because you’re already 30 minutes late to work – and f*ck, where are my pants?! Did instability take those too? I swear, I’m never inviting him over again. That guy’s a d*ck.
If society has it’s way, instability and I won’t be hanging out much longer.
And I think I’m okay with that.
In fact, I’m even willing to give up a thing or two to prevent him from sticking around.
At least for a month at a time...
For the first month as my new self, I’m giving up something that sounds simple enough: pizza.
To most of you, this may not seem all that much a challenge; yet, for a broke, amateur comedian, pizza is a staple. I couldn’t survive without it. On average, I’ve been eating pizza about three times a week for the past 4 years.
Since last summer, my pizza intake has reduced slightly as a result of acquiring a girlfriend who happens to be a phenomenal cook and enjoys cooking for me on a frequent basis (myhotgfcooks.com). If they say the key to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then she best love me for who I am because I’m en route to becoming a fat f*ck in the process.
Luckily, having a girlfriend also involves things like dance lessons and morning jogs in preparation for weddings and vacations, which naturally leads to endless consumption. So after eating 3 servings of risotto, I burn some of it off by doing the Waltz, Salsa or “7 O’clock Rock Around The Park” as I run behind her watching her ass rhythmically bounce in stride, the carrot to my sticking to some semblance of healthy lifestyle.
Unfortunately, I’m pretty undisciplined when it comes to sticking to routines that don’t involve staring at her ass.