I have done a fair amount of interviews for The Laugh Button; Reggie Watts, Dan Dion, Broken Lizard, they were all pretty cool. But the one interview that will forever stick out in my mind is my conversation with international singing sensation Tony Clifton. I say “conversation” because “interview” implies I was in control of the dialogue and asked questions which were promptly responded to. The fact of the matter is trying to get a routine interview with Tony Clifton is like getting stuck in a raging river (an abrasive, vulgar, off-color river), if you try to fight it you are up shit’s creek, but if you relax and go with the flow you will be taken on an awesome ride that you won’t soon forget.
Unfortunately without hearing the actual audio you probably will never get the true Clifton experience, but here is a large portion of the text. Yes Clifton is off-color (that’s the point) but if you keep reading, amidst the racial jokes and barbs, Tony and I got to have a really great conversation that gave me an opportunity to get closer to Mr. Entertainment himself.
**Warning: This interview has some serious language and is NSFW. So if you work in a environment that doesn’t like a wall of profanity and racist jokes, don’t read this at work.**
Hi Tony, tell me what’s going on with your new show?
It’s a big a show, it’s not what people think, “Tony Clifton is going to be pouring water on some f*cking assh*les head.” I mean if someone is going to give me a hard time I will give them a hard time back. You know I am an international singing sensation? I got a higher range than Mariah Carey. She’s got seven octaves, I got eight. And I’m feeling a good voice I might hit all eight octaves. But we got a big fucking band, a four piece horn section I got the rhythm section there are eight guys there.
That is the Katrina Kiss My Ass Orchestra?
Yeah those f*cking n*ggers! You a blacky?
What nationality are you?
Yeah but what are you?
White, and Russian. I guess you can say I’m a White Russian.
Oh you’re close to Poland? You hear about the Polack who’s wife had triplets? Yeah he went looking for the two other guys.
Polish Parachute! Opens on impact!
Polish Firing Squad! They stand in a circle! We take everybody out!
What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew? Santa Claus goes down the chimney!
And see I can make those jokes seriously. I can make those jokes because my grandfather died in Auschwitz. Yeah, he fell off the guard tower.
I go after the Sheeni bastards. The Negroids. Everybody.
What do you call a short Mexican chick? Cunts-way-lo.
But yeah my act is mainly singing, we do everything from Frank Sinatra to Led Zeppelin. We got over a hundred songs. This is a tight band. Some critics across the country said this band, the Katrina Kiss My Ass Orchestra can hold his own against The E Street Band was one of the reviews we got. So we’re all rehearsed, we got hot chicks, we got costumes, and of course you got me.
That’s the best part. Now you have been with the orchestra for two years now?
Yeah, well we have different members come in and out. You got to keep the blackies, the blackies are good. A black man is good for two things, as you know – good athletes and good musicians. Now if you want to hire an accountant, for that you get the Jew. You get someone to cook a meal for you, you get a French guy or you get an Italian guy – that is how it breaks down. The Polack, they’re good for I don’t know. The Mexican is good for cleaning up after the Polack.
Did you hear the one about Polack who broke his arms raking leaves? Yeah, he fell out of the tree.
I knew this girl who divorced from her first husband, this is a true story, no joke, he was Polish. She was telling me on their wedding night this guy was so fucking stupid, he didn’t know what the hell to do. She said “you know that thing you play with, you put that where I pee” so he jumped out of bed ran to the closet got his bowling ball and put it in the sink.
SEE I GOT THE CROWD WRAPPED AROUND MY FINGER!
This is why you’re an international success.
International that’s right international!!!
…And I’m just some schlub.
Yeah don’t worry you come backstage to my show I’ll introduce you to some of the girls back there.
You ain’t gay are you?
Two guys are sitting in their home, you know they get married nowadays? They just did the deed, the dirty deed if you ask me. And out of nowhere they went to sleep and a jet plane comes crashing down and kills them both. Who gets to go to heaven first?
The guy taking it in the ass cause his shit’s already packed.
*Clifton noises* That’s a good one, we get everyone. What do you call a ship full of f*gs? The Navy
You’re on fire.
I don’t understand these new guys. I never understood that Kaufman’s act. The guy would go up on stage *says things that aren’t coherent words*. That guy couldn’t tell a joke for his f*cking life.
So here is a question for you that someone wanted to ask you. If you and Kaufman had a fight in a steel cage who would win?
Well I would win of course; he was a skinny little Jew guy. Did you see him with Jerry Lawler? He ran away afraid of him! He wrestled women! He ain’t going to take on a man let alone a manly man like me.
That is a good point.
Another thing, you know if Kaufman was alive today you know what he would be doing right now? Scratching at the side of his casket.
That is a good one actually…Now you have been doing Comic Relief for two years now.
Yeah those people, the charity bullsh*t.
So here’s the question… A charity event, are you getting soft?
Nah nah nah, hey watch out my friend! You don’t say that to Tony Clifton! You’re lucky you’re not sitting across from me right now or I would have slapped you! That’s like sitting in front of Frank Sinatra and saying “hey Frank you getting soft?” He would reach across and slap you. You should know! You’re out in Jersey!
Well Frank doesn’t do as much charity as you.
That’s because he’s dead! Actually Frank did a lot of charity, I don’t do any. I believe charity starts at home. Here’s how this all came about… This thing started up about two years ago when I was in New Orleans. Now you know I like to drink there’s nothing wrong with that. You know what my drinking problem is? I got two hands and only one mouth.
Seriously, I went on the drinking man’s diet last week and I lost four days.
That’s the best kind of diet.
*Clifton noises* I actually drink to forget, what it was though I forgot.
What’s your drink of choice?
The good stuff.
Oh yeah, when you see me when you come see the show it’s the only thing I drink. I have a bottle on stage and I don’t stop the show until that bottle is f*cking empty. It’s like pacing the show.
Of course you are going to be drinking Gentleman Jack, you’re not some schlub, you’ll be be drinking the good stuff.
Yeah I can afford the good stock. Anyway back to the charity comedy people… what are they?
Yeah there we go. So here’s what happened, two years ago I am in New Orleans, I’m drinking a lot, especially after shows. And when I’m on the road I’m basically living out of hotel rooms. I lose my keys all the time, you never know, some hooker reaches into my pocket or something, I lose the keys all the time so when I leave the room I just leave the door unlocked. I keep my money on me, I don’t have anything really valuable in my room. Now what I do so I know is I keep the door open just lift a little bit open on the latch. So what happened was I remembered the hotel, I didn’t remember what f*cking floor or room I was in. Now I am bombed out of my f*cking tree so I go back and I walk floor to floor and I look for the door that’s a little open. Once I find it I go “Oh that’s my room,” or so I thought. So about two years ago I’m on Bourbon Street I got so f*cked up, to this day I think someone slipped me a Mickey to tell you the truth. So I go back to the hotel, it’s a Holiday Inn right by Mississippi I remember that. So I get back it’s about 4 in the morning it’s dark as all sh*t, and I’m going and I ain’t thinking nothing. I go into the bathroom there, take my clothes off, throw some water in my face, brush my teeth, but I’m f*cked up. So I go over to the bed there and I lay down on the bed and there’s a f*cking lady in the bed screaming her head off! It was the wrong fUcking room!
She’s some seventy-five year old bitch. Like I need to be f*cking that?!
Exactly, you’re Tony Clifton.
In fact what does eighty-year old p*ssy taste like?
So anyway I’m sitting there, she’s screaming running down the fucking hallway getting security. Of course I am hauled into court because they think I am going to rape her or something. I tell the judge, “look at me, look at her, what the f*ck am I going to need this for? I got f*cking hookers, I don’t need this shit.” So then they went to another floor and found the door was open so I had that, but I was in deep sh*t. Plus I had a list of some grievances against me in New Orleans, finally the judge looked at the whole list and the litany of my offenses against society so he was going to throw the book at me and give me some jail time. Luckily for me, the organization what is it Comic… Comedy People, what do they call them?
Yeah that group came forward and said they had to put this Katrina Orchestra together. It was made of musicians from New Orleans and dancers and stuff… helping these lowlifes. So they had them, and they needed someone to front it. So they worked out a deal with the judge where I am the front man, community service is basically what it was.
Yeah so that’s what brings me there, but I don’t support the homeless. Homeless bastard tries to come clean the window on my car I’ll run them over.
Yeah they got that f*cking rag they use, its smelly. Oh that reminds me. What’s the best thing about having sex with a homeless woman?
Her p*ssy smells just like her assh*le.
*Laughs*…Now what kind of car does Tony Clifton drive?
Chrysler 300 my friend, I got the old pimp car. Yup it’s the only way to tool around.
Definitely, American cars?
You know which car I am talking about?
Yeah forget the Caddy this is the thing. Me and the brothers, we drive this kind of thing.
Well you got the Katrina Orchestra…
Well I don’t have them, but I will tell you who I do have, the Cliftonettes. My beauties.
Now which is your favorite?
Keely, my newly adopted daughter.
Yeah she’s the hottest, she is a hot piece of ass. I legally adopted her a couple of months ago. And she’s from the back woods, the bayou. I found her across New Orleans she was hitchhiking. Between Biloxi and New Orleans. Right around highway 10. That’s the same road that Jayne Mansfield, who you know is kind of like a B Marilyn Monroe and that’s the road she was decapitated on. She was driving with the guy in the limo and she was hit by a truck. I am fascinated with all of these spots, where James Dean died. I always look on the maps I find strength in that. Elvis used to do that, hang around the graveyards. It puts your life in perspective when you are always considering death.
And it’s maybe not a good thing, it’s a depressing thing, but this is what life is about. Life and death. That’s why people come to my show, we f*cking have fun.
We don’t talk about the economy and all that sh*t. I don’t give a sh*t. How many times do you have to hear about the oil thing that happened. *Clifton noises* Who the f*ck cares! People are glued to the TV for what? Ninety-two days?! When are they going to cap it, f*ck you! You think you looking at that is going to change any f*cking thing? You think they are going to cap it quicker? Let people go out get themselves a piece of ass and a bottle of Jack Daniels! Or come to my show and have both!
Getting back to the show, you have a contest with your show, tell me about that.
This is for real this is true. Dennis Hoff is a good friend of mine he runs the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Carson City Nevada it’s from the HBO show Cathouse. He’s got some of the hottest f*cking bitches that you ever f*cking seen in your life. I’m Dennis’ good friend matter of fact I got a permanent room back there. And you can call Hoff up and he will tell you this “Yeah we got the Tony Clifton suite back here” I spend a lot of time over there and he is a good friend of mine and he is always looking for an opportunity to promote. I call him the “PT Barnum of booty” because he is. He really knows how to promote. So one night were drinking and we say “let’s do this, how about every night we have a raffle at my shows and we give a hooker away?” And he likes it, he gets the promotion from it. I kick in to pay the girls so Dennis doesn’t have to take his money because it’s usually 50/50 but I will pay the girl. So every show we do, and this is very important because we looked into this legally because prostitution is only legal in Nevada. So they got to get to Nevada and they get to the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, but once they are there any girl there that they want, I am paying for. They can look at the Cathouse website and they can kind of jerk off before they come to the show. And I tell you, one person on every f*cking show, and it’s a free raffle so we wouldn’t get in trouble. Free raffle, they come to Carson City Nevada where the brothel is. Whenever they want to come there. And I will be there too and we will have the line up. And he has a tremendous line up. The way I look at it, you’re only as old as the people you’re f*cking.
That’s very true.
It is, and there are scientific studies behind this shit too. I call that young p*ssy juice the fountain of youth. That’s what keeps me going. Plus it loosens my throat, that is why I am able to do an eight octave range. *sings a very high note*
Wow you hit it beautifully.
Yeah well it’s not quite there but that’s how easy how I can go there. My voice is pretty low but watch this *sings a very very high note*
That’s why you’re the best.
Plus I got a band behind me plus if the audience really moves me I’ll throw that f*cking note up there. We got to tell people to remove their glasses. In fact, at my show we don’t have them serve the booze in glass cups. They have to be plastic. Because when I hit those high notes, glass breaks.
And I have a feeling I just might do that in Atlantic City.
Good because I will order a drink in a glass, because I want to see you break it.
Go for it but I am telling you, you keep that away from your eyes.
Oh I will. Now my friends are obviously Tony Clifton fans so they have some friends that they wanted asked…
Smart friends. But go ahead.
Ok, the real question… blondes or brunettes?
Oh Blondes absolutely!
Well you know what it is, I think opposites attract. I got black hair and there’s something about that. And there is something about the Blondes. People sometimes ask “are you a leg man?” or “are you a titty man?” And it seems what happens to me is I go one direction for a while then I need a change of pace. I will be fucking white chicks for a while then I’ll be in the mood for some dark meat.
Variety is the spice of life.
But basically the blondes they get me every time. But I will tell you what is really wild is that red head stuff.
Now that leads me into my next question, what happens if we throw red heads into the mix?
Occasionally a red head, because you know those red heads, especially if they are a real head they got that pussy hair that’s red that a big fucking turn on. Sometimes I will have a red head put her hair into pigtails and make believe I am fucking Pippy Longstockings. Now I don’t go underage but you can fool yourself.
Would Lindsay Lohan be your cup of tea?
I like the freckles on her. And I always thought that was kind of her appeal. Not that I am a pedophile or anything like that.
That reminds me a guy goes home to his wife and they live in a trailer park. Guy walks in the door and she’s packing. Guy asks “honey what are you doing?” She says “I’m leaving you!” He asks why and she says “because your a pedophile!!” He replies, “pedophile? That’s a pretty big word for a fifteen year old.”
Hey what’s the best part about f*cking twenty six year olds?
There’s twenty of them!!!
*Laughs* Ok here is another question, you remember the riot gear you wore at the Rodney Dangerfield show?
Yeah yeah, the SWAT gear, they put me in that stuff.
Do you still have it and have you ever had to wear it again?
No no we borrowed it that day from the San Francisco police department. Now they knew Andy Kaufman and Rodney Dangerfield and what not so they were happy to help out. We threw them a couple of free tickets so they sent a guy over but no I didn’t get to keep the stuff. You know what that is expensive shit let me tell you. They were throwing shit at me like you can’t. Bill Graham said, I love his quote, “This is worse than when the sex pistols pulled out their dicks and pissed on the audience!”
He said “Tony was worse but we did sell a lot of concessions,” because people had so much crap to throw at me. They could have poked my eye out.
Tony Clifton moves product.
There you go! And I got a new product coming out.
What is it?
You will see it the night of the show, it’s called “The Young Shaver” and this is an intimate shaving device for the certain areas for young girls. We actually shot the commercial over at Dennis Hoff’s Moonlight Bunny Ranch and I tested it there for about half a year with about five hundred girls. We tested it and I inspected their p*ssies afterwards and this is a real product we are going to be selling it. It will have my face on it, it folds up almost like a lipstick tube so you can carry it in your purse and you won’t cut yourself. A girl wants to shave herself, she meets a guy at the bar and he wants to take a ride in the f*cking car and f*ck her. She goes to the ladies room, nobody knows something, a little warm water, you pull this out, a little soap you put that on there, its a close shave.
See that is a good thing. Now there IS a product I’ve been trying to get my hands on, is there a Tony Clifton cologne?
We are doing a cologne right out of New York City and this was the people from Uli Lang and this is the real deal I am still in conversation with them. As a matter of fact he sends me different smells once in a while and they come in these little things. I smell them and very soon to a decision to what that one will be. And we are hoping to get that in K-Mart at a reasonable price maybe like $2.95.
See as soon as I heard about it I went through every store trying to find it.
Yeah it’s not out yet.
But as soon as it is…
Yeah, yeah we will get on stores for real. We are definitely going to get that out there. Watch the website because they want to get the right scent. Believe it or not they put a little Jack Daniels in it, they put some cigarette butts. It smells good. It’s a manly smell.
Yeah musky, kind of like Old Spice a little. I think they are bringin’ Old Spice back, you know a lot of this stuff is retro now.
Yeah, Old Spice is having a big comeback.
Yeah because of Mad Men, people are going these were better times back then. Oh did you know I was just banned from radio in Baltimore?
I did an interview they should have put me on a five second delay or something. It was 98 Rocks, I had a good time with the DJ then I had to do an in-studio appearance and the day before the show in Annapolis they came to me and said “We don’t want you. We found that he was highly offensive.” Isn’t that bullsh*t?
Eh it’s Maryland, it’s still the South. You know how it is down there.
People forget that the DC area really is the South isn’t it.
Yeah you go down to Virginia / Maryland it might as well be Texas.
You’re right! We forget we see in the news Washington DC and all of the liberal press is there but you’re right. They are backwards, toothless bastards.
It’s a shame, they are the ones missing out really.
I think so, I am not blaming the DJ’s. What’s happened, as you know now the shock jock is just about gone. Because of the fines levied by the FCC.
Mancow is a good friend of mine and he was telling me. That is also why Stern went over to Sirius. Believe me, one critic said at one of my shows, “Tony Clifton says things that Howard Stern wouldn’t dare say”, and it’s true.
I agree, I mean he has advertisers to worry about.
What would you call the Flintstones if they were black?
Now speaking of moving product, do you think there is going to be a Tony Clifton album?
Actually, it is very timely that you asked that. We are in the process… what is that organization again?
Those people yeah. It’s a benefit for them. And you know how Sinatra did the duets? Well this will kind of be like Tony Clifton’s duets album. In the can we already have me performing with R.E.M. performing “Man on the Moon”. And Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins is coming here and he has a song today one of his big songs.
How did you get with him?
He came to the show, I never met the guy. He came out to see me in LA back in May, he was there, and he was blown away. So he came back stage and he introduced himself very politely. I never heard of the guy. He started saying I’m from the Smashing Pumpkins, until it was explained to me, I told him Gallagher did the same thing by smashing watermelons. I told him you seem like a nice guy but it’s been done before. Then he told me it was the name of his group. You heard of them?
Yeah I know them. They are pretty good.
He is coming down to record. We’re talking to everybody. We’re talking to Beck, everybody. And that will probably come out anywhere between six and nine months. And when I do that I will go back on tour because we got a big product.
Now where can everyone find your stuff?
Tony Clifton.net. If they stay on that they will see everything that is going on with the tour, products, albums shavers, videos.
Thank you Tony, it has been an honor and a pleasure.
You can catch Tony Clifton on the road, check his website for tour dates and keep checking it to find out when his cologne will hit the shelves.