One of our favorite things to do here during a Comedy Central Roast is follow Jesse Joyce’s twitter timeline @jessejoyce. Joyce, one of the writers for many years now starting with 2007’s burn of Flavor Flav, tweets out all of his unused jokes from the show. And they are amazing! Other writers from this particular Roast include Frank Sebastiano, Emmy Blotnick, Josh Comers, Mike Ferrucci, Ray James, Michael Lawrence, George Reinblatt, Sarah Tiana, Kevin Schini, Jesse Joyce, Hugh Fink, Jarrett Grode, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Daniel St. Germain with additional material by David Feldman, Michael Rowe, and Pete Schultz.
We’ve culminated all the unused jokes from the the writers on this year’s staff and put them all in one place for you to enjoy! So enjoy! And be sure to watch the “after show” Roast recap that Lawrence and Earl Skakel (Roast Battle) did. It’s glorious!
Here they are. All the jokes you didn’t get to hear or see direct from some of the writers of the Roast of Rob Lowe.
— Jesse Joyce (@jessejoyce) September 6, 2016
Jesse Joyce – @jessejoyce
– This roast is being broadcast on Labor Day because after tonight America will have to put away its whites for a long time.
– So far The Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe is a lot less dignified than The Comedy Central Cremation of Patrick Swayze.
– Rob Lowe is deaf in his right ear which means you have to stand to his left to tell him he sucks.
– Rob Lowe has aged so much better than the rest of the Brat Pack… or that painting of himself in his attic.
– The West Wing was like House of Cards… except you had to sit through excruciating parts like commercials and Rob Lowe scenes.
– Rob Lowe has a star on the Hollywood walk of fame… it’s right between Arthur VonNobody and Miss Who Gives a Shit 1958.
– The Schwarzenegger family is here to ensure that, for once, an old 80’s movie star is held accountable for fucking a nanny.
– When the Lowes’ second child was born they had to hire an additional nanny, one to watch the kids, and one to blow Rob.
– Rob Lowe has fucked more nannies and housekeepers than Donald Trump’s immigration plan.
– Pete Davidson got a Harry Potter tattoo so that if HE ever dies in a building collapse they can still identify him…as a douchebag.
– The first time Pete Davidson thanked his mom on SNL she absolutely melted… which must have made Pete think “oh, not again…”
– It’s fucked up that the hijacker who killed Pete Davidson’s dad got 72 virgins out of the deal and SNL fans only got one.
– Nick Cannon made Pete Davidson a star. I really wish that happens to Jeff Ross too… that he gets blown up by a cannon.
– Right before this roast Rob Lowe had to put their family dog Buster to sleep… so he auditioned for him.
– Rob Lowe’s dog Buster had just turned 16 when the vet had to put him down… so Rob wouldn’t fuck him.
– Everyone remembers where they were the first time they heard one of Jewel’s songs. The waiting room of a dermatologist’s office.
– Jewel always worried her rodeo star husband would get his teeth kicked in,cause then they’d never be able to tell each other apart.
– Jewel’s from Alaska, the most sparsely populated state, so her concert attendance numbers make her feel right at home.
– Jimmy Carr looks like he hosts a game show called Who Wants To Marry a Predator?
– Jimmy Carr is so smug that if you looked up the word “smug” in the dictionary, he’d roll his eyes at you for needing a dictionary.
– Jimmy Carr hosts a show called 8 out of 10 cats… he got the job after they saw how hungrily he ate out 10 cats.
– Jimmy Carr is the worst Car in comedy. And that includes the one that decapitated Sam Kinison.
– Jimmy took the stage name Carr, cause once when he was starting out in show biz he let 30 clowns cram inside him at the same time.
– The Manning family has 3 NFL quarterbacks. Just imagine for a second… how many typos are in that Christmas letter.
– This event every year is like the super bowl of roasts… so there’s a 50/50 shot Peyton Manning will blow it.
– Peyton Manning has a future in porn. His loving embrace w/ Papa John proves he’s comfortable sucking a pizza guy’s dick on camera.
– Peyton Manning is known for choking during big games, but that’s because sometimes retarded people swallow pennies.
– In Peyton’s family there are 3 pro quarterbacks. It must be weird growing up in a household where the family dog is the smart one.
– I watched one episode of Not Safe With Nikki Glaser and as best as I can tell, it’s a dildo infomercial hosted by a Dutch turtle.
– Hey Nikki Glaser why the long face? Oh yeah, I forgot… your mom drank while she was pregnant.
– Ralph Macchio looks exactly the same as he always has… like 11 year old Fonzie going through a divorce.
– Ralph Macchio learned so much during Karate Kid. Skills he uses to this day at his current job, painting fences and waxing cars.
– Ralph Macchio named his eldest son “Daniel” after his character from Karate Kid. And his youngest son “That’s Pretty Much It.”
– Ralph Macchio looks like a 9 year old going as Tony Danza for Halloween.
– Ann Coulter is here to answer the question, “What if Tom Petty was in the Klan?”
– Ann Coulter has been sitting up here all night trying to figure out a way to deport Ralph Macchio.
– You might not know this, but before she was FoxNews’s Ann Coulter, she was Bram Stoker’s Ann Coulter.
– Ann Coulter is only here to make sure Nikki Glaser uses the men’s room like God intended.
– During a speech Ann Coulter got hit in the face w/ a pie. I’m not sure what kinda pie, but if I had to guess, I’d say a brick pie.
– Ann Coulter’s parents deserve a lot of credit… for training a llama to say the N word.
– Jeff Ross has become a fixture at these roasts. Like a bathtub or a furnace or anything else too heavy to just throw out.
– Jeff Ross has recently adopted a new look, and apparently it’s a jellyfish dressed as Run DMC.
– Jeff Ross’s Roast Battle is like Fight Club, except the first rule of Roast Battle is Don’t Talk About How Fat Jeff Has Gotten.
– Anytime Rob’s in public women throw themselves at him. When Jeff Ross is in public women throw themselves at delivery trucks.
— Jesse Joyce (@jessejoyce) September 6, 2016
Mike Lawrence and Earl Skakel’s Facebook Live Roast of Rob Lowe Aftershow
Here are a couple burns you’ll see during Lawrence and Skakel’s video that Ann Coulter decided to turn down:
– Good evening, America. I’m here to honor Rob Lowe, and I have to say, Rob: It’s nice to finally not be the most hated person in the room.
– Rob Lowe is like America: he hasn’t been great since Reagan was President, and unemployment is becoming more and more of a problem for him.
– Giving you a roast is the worst decision Comedy Central has made since they replaced Jon Stewart with a South African child. That’s a Trevor Noah joke; the one immigrant I’m most excited to see get deported. Am I white, people? Am I white?
And now to the tape…
Sarah Tiana – @sarahtiana
I'm gonna tweet my jokes that didn't make the #LoweRoast
— Sarah Tiana (@sarahtiana) September 6, 2016
– David Spade didn’t go to Farley’s funeral. It was just too hard for him…to get on the list.
– Nikki Glaser’s dad is obviously German and her mom obviously …drank while she was pregnant.
– I’ve learned so much about being a broadcaster from watching @RobRiggle Fox NFL Sundays. Like you don’t have to be “funny” or “conventionally handsome” or “know anything about sports” or “be able to conceal your secret love for Terry Bradshaw’s shingles.”
– Peyton: Nikki Glaser just moved to La from St. Louis. The only difference between her and the Rams is they have less guys in their shower.
– Joke I tried to get Ann to do: “Boo all you want, unlike Rob Lowe I can handle my booze.”
– Jewel grew up without indoor plumbing which explains why she’s comfortable sitting so close to that pile of shit Ann Coulter.
– I think @DavidSpade is the best host we’ve ever had on the Comedy Central Roasts. Jokes so funny. Never makes it about himself.
From writer George Reinblatt – @georgereinblatt
— George Reinblatt (@georgereinblatt) September 6, 2016