How ironic that the newly revamped, Ashton Kutcher-filled Two and a Half Men air the same night as Comedy Central’s Roast of Charlie Sheen. It was like they planned it. TV audiences across the nation were able to watch CBS sitcom void of its well-known star Charlie Sheen, only to switch over to comedy Central and witness the Warlock burn on stage in front of “12 nobodies.”
Among Sheen’s roasters were Seth Macfarlane (Emcee), Jeff “Roast Master General” Ross, Jon Lovitz, William Shatner, Mike Tyson, Kate Walsh, Steve-O, Anthony Jeselnik, in addition to newcoming comedians to the dais – Amy Schumer and Patrice O’Neal.
Of course the usual roasters Ross, Lovitz, and Shatner were hilarious as always. William Shatner was, without a doubt, a favorite roaster of the night, cleverly creating a parallel between Sheen and Jesus. Also impressive were the new additions Schumer and O’Neal. Amy Schumer’s Charlie Sheen / Bruce Willis comparison was clever, true, and hilarious. Not only was Patrice O’Neal full of honesty and conviction as he criticized Seth MacFarlane’s ego, he commended Sheen for standing up to his former sitcom producers.
Charlie Sheen’s speech at the end of the roast was enlightening. Sheen appeared on the ball and self-aware saying, “What I’m trying to say is that, I’m done with ‘the winning’ because I’ve already won. This roast may be over, but I’m Charlie Sheen, and in here [points to his heart] burns an eternal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe.” Honest and funny, I look forward to seeing what Sheen heads for in the future, hopefully a new movie.
Let us take a moment to enjoy the following greatest moments and insults of the night:
“I personally asked that William Shatner be here because I needed some urine. I had to ring it out of the diaper, but it did the job.”
On Seth MacFarlane – “I consider Seth an icon; I do. I got a critique about Seth. It’s too much Seth. Like it’s almost like he’s jealous of his own creation, where he wants to prove, ‘I’m better than the cartoons.’ But he’s not better than the cartoons.”
On Mike Tyson – “I don’t like how comfortable white people are around you now.”
“You know, during a very tough time in my life, I got inspiration from The Iliad. So you see, Seth [MacFarlane], you’re not the only one who got by taking ideas from Homer.”
“Mike [Tyson], your voice sounds like a girl crying. Every time you speak do you give yourself an erection?”
“Hey Mike [Tyson], here’s something you’ll never hear. Great, tattoo! (pause) You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face. Men don’t know whether to be scared of it, or finish on it.”
“Charlie [Sheen], you’re just like Bruce Willis. You were big in the ’80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”
On Charlie Sheen – “I know another famous guy who was kind to whores and always kept 12 losers around, and he got…crucified by Jews too. And people worship that guy.”
On Mike Tyson – “Mike Tyson has beaten every opponent he’s ever faced — except the letter S.”
To Charlie Sheen – “Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood,’ but after all the porn stars you’ve [had sex with], it’s probably Tiger Woods’ blood.”
On Charlie Sheen – “Charlie still hasn’t hit rock bottom. He’s looking forward to it though, because he thinks there’s a rock there.”
On Charlie Sheen – “Your nose is like my ass, there’s nothing you won’t shove up there”
On Charlie Sheen – “According to the Torah, Charlie’s a Jew. Not because his mother’s Jewish. But because CBS paid him $50 million and he still sued the network.”
“How much blow can Charlie do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men!”
To Charlie Sheen – “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.”
To Charlie Sheen – “Of course they fired you, Charlie. Every time the writers tried to put new lines in the script, you’d try to snort them.”
“This roast is so full of nobodies, I was hoping I’d get replaced by Ashton Kutcher.”
Then Steve-O broke his nose?