One of our favorite things to do during a Comedy Central Roast is follow the writers of the show to see what jokes didn’t make the cut. We started doing it a few years back when writer Jesse Joyce started sharing such jokes. Joyce has written for the roasts for many years starting in 2007’s Flavor Flav roast. Since then, some of the others have followed suit and shared unused jokes.
This year joining head writer Frank Sebastiano were writers Benji Afalo, Blain Capatch, Josh Comers, Mike Ferrucci, Olivia Grace, Tony Hinchcliffe, Ray James, Jesse Joyce, Mike Lawrence, Connor McSpadden, Vanessa Ramos, George Reinblatt, Mike Rowe, Sarah Tiana, Kevin Schini, Peter Schutz, and Prescott Tolk as additional material was contributed by Megan Callahan, Ben Hoffman, and Ed Larson. We took a dive into their social media and accumulated all the unused jokes from the the writers on this year’s staff that we could find and put them all in one place for you to enjoy!
Here they are. All the jokes you didn’t get to hear or see direct from some of the writers of the Roast of Bruce Willis.
– Dennis Rodman, you look great. What are you doing to stay healthy, Voodoo?
– Lil Rel’s real name is Milton Howery, his first name is so white it crosses the street when it sees his last name coming.
– Dom Irrera you’ve been in one episode of every terrible sitcom, you’re like a serious conversation about rape.
– Edward Norton got dumped by Salma Hayek, presumably because she was tired of being fucked to Oasis in the missionary position.
– Martha Stewart, you took her ex’s name and made it into an empire. You are truly the Jack White of casseroles.
– When Joseph Gordon Levitt eats his wife’s pussy she has to tell him “Okay Joseph, two more bites.”
– Kevin Pollak is what 4chan thinks a Jewish person looks like.
– Jeff Ross just taped a special with Dave Attell, it’s coming out in 1998.
– Nikki Glaser’s Comedy Central show got canceled and now she hosts a morning radio show, she’s like a homelier Adam Carolla.
– I don’t want to say her career isn’t going well but during the break, Cybill Shepherd took down the phone number from the Cash For Gold commercial.
– Bruce Willis is a Republican and he’s married to a model 23 years younger than him, so he’s going to lose the house twice this year.
– This is an all star dais, by which I mean Smash Mouth might as well be headlining.
I wrote for the #BruceWillisRoast on Comedy Central – it’s on right now. Forgot to tweet this earlier. As usual I’ll be tweeting jokes that didn’t make the cut in a bit.
— Jesse Joyce (@jessejoyce) July 30, 2018
– Casting directors knew Bruce Willis would be perfect to play the baby in Look Who’s Talking because most of them had seen his penis.
– In 12 Monkeys, Bruce Willis did not play one of the monkeys, but that didn’t stop him from jerking off on camera the whole time.
– Whenever I flip past Bruce Willis on cable I think, when did Ed Harris forget how to act?
– In his 20s Bruce Willis worked as a security guard at a nuclear power plant, a job that had great benefits, like saving him thousands of dollars on haircuts over the years
– Jeff Ross’s new look is all fedoras and the gold chains. Jeff, you look like if a jellyfish was in Run DMC.
– Jeff Ross looks the baby from Look Who’s Talking if that movie had been set in a hot car.
– Jeff Ross is back for his annual haunting. Jeff is the Phantom of The Roast. It’s just like the Phantom of The Opera, except that both sides of his face are deformed.
– Dennis Rodman is covered in piercings… but he also has a bunch of holes in other places you can’t see… like his brain.
– If Dennis Rodman makes one more visit to North Korea, his passport will finally have more stamps on it than his lower back.
– Dennis Rodman starred on The Apprentice and is good friends with Kim Jong Un, but he wanted to do this roast because it’s on his bucket list to meet ALL the worst men in history.
– Dennis Rodman has broken his dick 3 times. Which also means he’s broken the record for breaking his dick two times.
– Someday Dennis Rodman will be in the history books, and if that hasn’t inspired him to learn to read, nothing will.
– Dom Irrera why are you so swollen? You look like you have a disease you can only get from having an open sore in a Bucca Di Beppo.
– Dom Irerra looks like a Macy’s Parade Balloon of Jim Belushi.
– Dom Irrera sleeps with the fishes, because he lives in a dumpster behind Red Lobster.
– Dom Irrera you look like the Pillsbury Pep Boy.
– Just like in the Sixth Sense, Martha Stewart sees dead people all the time – because she lives in a nursing home.
– Cybill Shepherd’s book talks about all the guys she slept with over the years. It’s a more comprehensive list of dead guys from the 60’s and 70’s than the Vietnam War Memorial.
– Cybill Shepherd’s doctor writes so many prescriptions for her he’s started calling her “Scribble Shepherd”
– Joseph Gordon Levitt played the president’s eldest son in Lincoln, which means that John Wilkes Booth is no longer the worst 3-named actor associated with Abraham Lincoln.
– After watching Joseph Gordon Levitt play Edward Snowden, his agent also put his phone in the microwave.
– Unlike a lot of actors, Joseph Gordon Levitt didn’t change his name for show business, he changed it when he married Mr. Levitt.
– Nikki has her own radio show. But she’s not the only one… Jeff Ross is kind of a hobbyist in the medium… he has a ham radio – It’s on his ham table, in his ham basement. Jeff loves ham.
– Nikki Glaser has a face for radio… specifically the radio in Princess Diana’s Mercedes.
– No one ever talks about the 2nd rule of Fight Club, which is “fast forward through all of Ed Norton’s scenes.”
– Ed Norton starred in Rounders, a role that should have gone to Jeff Ross – because no one is rounder than Jeff Ross.
– Ed Norton, I have never cringed harder at any movie starring the Hulk – and that includes the sex tape where Hulk Hogan said the N word.
– Lil Rel did an interview in Jet Magazine about black fatherhood, and I’d just like to quote a little bit of it to you… Rel said: “I’ll tell you a funny story. I picked the kids up one day when I was in Chicago. We were having fun, we were at dinner…
..we do whatever; that’s just what we do. And when I went to drop them off, Brittni said “Oh Daddy, I forgot to give you something.” It wasn’t my birthday, it wasn’t Father’s Day, but she gave me this card she made in her class that said “Daddy…
…I’m so proud of you. You are making your dreams come true.!” And that’s all it said, but I had to let her get out of the car so I could keep from boo-hooing in front of her” So see… that just goes to show you… Lil Rel has no idea what a funny story is.
– Lil Rel’s twitter handle is @LilRel4 – which can only mean there are three littler Rels out there somewhere.
– Kevin Pollack’s impressions follow the same guidelines as the AARP application office – he’s not allowed to do anybody born after 1953.
– I can’t wait for Kevin Pollack to get up here and transport us to a world where it would be crazy if Bruce Willis was on Columbo.
– Kevin Pollack, I can’t imagine how awful that must have been for you on the set of Usual Suspects, having to have to spend 2 months in close quarters with Kevin Spacey, listening to him do a better Christopher Walken impression.
– Kevin Pollack starred in The Usual Suspects with a reviled pedophile, the evangelical evolution denying Baldwin brother, and was directed by an accused child predator and he’s still somehow the 8th most successful person from that film.
– Kevin Pollack looks like a dentist whose patients always tell him he looks like Phil Collins.
Cybill Shepherd was my main focus on the #BruceWillisRoast and I’m so proud of her! She did amazing.
— Sarah Tiana (@sarahtiana) July 30, 2018
– Demi to Bruce: “Bruce, when we were married I was in A Few Good Men. And you were by far my favorite.”
– Demi to Bruce: “Bruce I have an indecent proposal for you. I’ll give you one million dollars to go f*ck yourself.”
– Martha Stewart to Jeff Ross: “I’m never inviting Jeff over to my house again. The last time he came over he said ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse. (Sigh) That was my favorite horse.”